Shake it off: The Original

Lets face it, a visit from Aunt Flo (fuck it, we're all adults here), getting your period normally sucks.  You're hormonal, bloated and in pain.  Getting your period when you're trying to conceive is a one-two hadouken to your uterus and soft, squishy emotional core.  It's like your body is reviewing all of the month's hard work, all of the charting and timed intercourse, all of the money spent on ovulation predictor kits, all of the hours obsessing over potential early pregnancy signs, and well... going like this:

So, I'm introducing a regular series I like to call: "The internet helps me cope with the crushing fear that I will never conceive a child", Shake it off.  For everyone who got the bad news this week, pour yourself a glass of wine/double shot of espresso/fifth of whiskey and enjoy the original, greatest cheer up the internet has to offer.  This one has gotten me through tough times folks, and I hope it does the same for you.

Without further ado, I present, "Shake it Off-Puppy".

If you don't find the humor in this, you will go insane

Another entry in the "why is this happening?!" category for this blog.

Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous.

If you're not one of the lucky ones who conceives immediately without really trying, you're going to soon find yourself at a very pivotal crossroads. You'll be lying in bed, post meticulously scheduled coitus with your bare ass propped up in the air on pillows and one of two things is going to happen.  You're either going to grit your teeth, trestle that ass up a little higher, and think about your cervical fluid's pH, or you're going to start laughing so hard that you fall off your pillows.

Everything that goes in to actively *trying* to get pregnant is absolutely absurd.  Now I'm not saying that there isn't any foundation to the things we do to introduce Mr. Sperm to Ms. Ovum, what I am saying is that you have to laugh about it, or you will lose your mind.

We schedule sex like other people plan everyday errands.  "Honey, I'll need a hot meat injection on Thursday and Saturday, in the very least!"

Hooray, this is totally morning sickness!

We spend hours every month comparing body fluid to egg whites and elmer's school paste.  To do so, we non-recreationally finger ourselves several times a day.  And then we *talk about it*.  To our husbands and frankly, to anyone who will listen.  "Dry and pasty, just batting practice tonight!"

Throwing up changes from being a pretty seriously sucky experience to the *best* *thing* *evar*!!!!!!!  You literally feel like you are puking rainbows if you coincidentally get a stomach bug a few days after ovulation.

We temp, we chart, we over analyze the size of our boobs, and google things like "will eating pixie sticks during pregnancy make it difficult for my child to achieve its future career goals?".  This whole thing is madness.

So, while there may be some "very special" entries here, where I talk about serious topics, for the most part, my hope is to have a good laugh about it all.   Cause if you take it all too seriously, honestly... sometimes... it hurts too bad.

What - me jealous?