Thursday, April 5, 2012

in which I attempt to come up with multiple, nerdy, euphemisms for semen.

no, not that dude
I've heard in a few places that approximately 40% of infertility is due to problems with the dude.  Problems with morphology, mobility or simply an absence of kids in the pool can result in a trash can full of spent pee sticks.  (Sorry folks, I'm on my 2nd glass of "not this month" wine, eloquence is not going to be my strong suit tonight).

As a child my husband had a hernia repair surgery and my M.D. from Google University led me to believe this was cause for concern. So, with this in mind, I went to le midwife recently and convinced her to temporarily ignore the "12 month rule" (more on that one later) and write me a script for a semen analysis, which I proudly brought home like a straight A report card.

Guys... you guys...  I was *really* excited about this.  See, I kind of love data. On top of that, I actually do work in healthcare.  So lab results, man, I'm all over lab results.  I no joke day dream about being able to run my own workup on my poor husband and I. 12 months of shooting in the dark (see what I did there?) - totally not my thing.

The basic procedure for a semen analysis (for those of you blessedly not in the know) can go one of two ways.  If you're lucky enough to live within 30 minutes of a lab that can evaluate your sample ::nudge nudge wink wink:: you can obtain said sample from the comforts of your own home.  If you don't live within the "still hot or it's on us" delivery range then you get the misfortune of having to "provide a sample" where untold number of men have "provided samples" in the past.  This thought did not thrill my husband.

So I started calling local labs to find out if there was one in range that could do a semen analysis.  The closest facility happened to be the one I worked at, but since they have recently merged with a Catholic hospital, they no longer provided the services we needed (apparently it makes god quite irate).  The only other place was just on the border of "drive-able in 30 minutes".  Crestfallen, I shared the news with my husband later that evening.

Much to my surprise, my husband (who at the time was playing Skyward Sword) was willing to give it a shot.
challenge accepted.
The rest of the details here are fuzzy (I left him to his own devices on this one... also, I've hit glass #3 of "oh dear god why is my uterus trying to turn itself inside out?" wine) but he got the job done.  A few days later we had our results.  My love is not shooting blanks!  Hooray!

So, that means in 5 more months, if we don't get knocked up, its cause there's totally something wrong with me.  hooray. =/

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