just in case you guys don't start to think I'm too brave

Since for me adoption is still on the table, stopping treatment didn't mean that we were deciding not to parent. However one of the things I realized I would have to face eventually was the reality that I would never use "mah lady parts" to conceive and carry a child.

Up until now I've been resolutely refusing to consider that fact and distracting myself with all the joys of not actively trying to get pregnant (caffeine and alcohol and allergy medication and intense exercise - yay!) but this morning that all kind of came crashing down around me and I had a wee bit of a freak out.


I was in the shower thinking about what I wanted to do for my upcoming birthday (high ropes adventure course followed by lots of drinking and arcade games with friends perhaps?) and it sunk in for a moment that I'll be turning 30. It wasn't the traditional "oh no, my ovaries are going to dry up" freak out that most women have facing their 30's. My ovaries have already pretty much dried up, that's not a big shocker for me.

But I felt overwhelmed with sadness that almost 30 seems so young to have come to the conclusion that I won't ever carry a child. The rest of my life from almost 30 on seems like such a long time to never get to be pregnant.

And I had this short panic fantasy about another secret round of IVF (just one more hit...) and how we wouldn't have to tell anyone and we could just sneakily try to harvest some eggs and no one would be the wiser.

I truly don't want to cycle again, but this morning for a brief few moments I seriously thought about it and that right there is why stepping off the IF treatment treadmill is so damn difficult. It'll always be there waiting for me with open arms, sharp pointy needles and the halfhearted promise of a possibility of maybe getting pregnant.

Then I watched this video of dancing Japanese USB lighters and that kind of made things better.

shhh... it's better not to think about it... just watch.