taking my life back - one zombie infested mile at a time

A little under a year ago I was celebrating my 29th birthday. Though we had recently gotten some pretty heavy news about our odds of conceiving a child and I was facing surgery for my endometriosis, I decided to  treat myself to a nice day out and about. I went out shopping and found myself two coveted pairs of jeans that fit nicely, tucked into my first salted caramel mocha of the season, started the last book in a series I'd been reading since I was 14 and took a trial boxing class at a local gym.

Fast forward almost twelve months later. The jeans don't fit, the book was a little bit of a let down (sorry F. Paul), I gave up boxing out of fear of popping an ovary and I've got no baby to show for any of my efforts.

shake it off - Bee & Puppycat

While my "monthly visitor" is no longer as crushing a reminder of our failures as it once was, it still thoroughly sucks. I mean, can't I just have my uterus out at this point?

Annnnnnnyway, here's some internet cartoon awesomeness, garunteed to make just about anything better.

*new reader disclaimer* Shake it off is my semi regular, "oh great, I'm not pregnant again" series. They are little micro-doses of internet awesomeness designed to scientifically decrease your life's suckitude. WITH SCIENCE.

Happy ICLW!

I'm just going to go ahead and lie
 here until someone casts heal

Just wanted to post a quick hello to everyone here from September's ICLW.

Here are two good posts to get any new reader's up-to-date:

Our IF diagnosis(es...essssss... oh god there are so many diagnoses...)

http://inconception.blogspot.com/2012/12/obligatory-its-been-awhile-post.html

7 (ish?) IUI's and 0.7(???) IVF attempts later, we tapped out:

http://inconception.blogspot.com/2013/08/shit-weve-gotta-get-your-sperm-out-of.html

What started here as a place to talk about treatment, is right now becoming a place to talk about not being in treatment anymore. While adoption is on the table for us, we are pretty beat up at this point. The plan right now is to head back to the inn to sleep the last fight off, then we might go grind a few levels to max out our HP, do a fedex quest or two, then get out there for the next round. Yea... video games...  

taking my life back - one cup at a time

Steel yourselves, kind readers, because I'm about to wax all kinds of poetic about a coffee maker.

First off, meet my new friend:

just in case you guys don't start to think I'm too brave

Since for me adoption is still on the table, stopping treatment didn't mean that we were deciding not to parent. However one of the things I realized I would have to face eventually was the reality that I would never use "mah lady parts" to conceive and carry a child.

Up until now I've been resolutely refusing to consider that fact and distracting myself with all the joys of not actively trying to get pregnant (caffeine and alcohol and allergy medication and intense exercise - yay!) but this morning that all kind of came crashing down around me and I had a wee bit of a freak out.

tapping out - why I stopped treatment

Prior to making the BIG DECISION I'd read dozens of well meaning, but ultimately vague and unhelpful articles about how to know if you're ready to stop treatment. They're all basically short lists that can be condensed into one sentence:

 "You're a hot fucking mess."

Now that the BIG DECISION has been made, I thought I would be done pondering all the reasons we decided to walk away. Over the past few days the overwhelming feeling has been one of relief. I've been enjoying all the things one cannot enjoy while actively trying to get knocked up (caffeine and alcohol and allergy medication and intense exercise, ohmy!)

shaking hands with the elephant

I was looking into advice and help coping with the BIG DECISION top stop treatment last week and stumbled upon this podcast about living child-free.

While adoption is still very much an option for us, we're both pretty damn broken right now. We don't feel ready to start on another massively difficult undertaking and we have no illusions that adoption, while it may well be wonderful in the end and is very likely going to be our route to parenthood, will not be a massively difficult undertaking.

Anyway, I was mostly looking for a "how to" guide for getting through these first few days of figuring out life now that I'm not actively trying to get knocked up anymore. This podcast is way more than that, and definitely worth giving a listen.

It made me realize that prior to this I was among the many infertile people who refused to acknowledge a pretty big elephant in the room: those of us who walked away from treatment without a baby.

Those people always seemed so sad to me. Like they'd given up, weren't strong enough, or that their circumstances forced them to no longer to be able to keep fighting to conceive. I was so tempted by thought that we could stop, but also so scared by it. It felt like it was the "weak" decision.

The reality of it is, now that I've made it, walking away from treatment is one of the bravest decisions I have ever made in my life.

shit... we've gotta get your sperm out of there.

Let's break this down quick so you all can get up to speed:

• There's been high drama at my clinic. The RE was very ill and they flew a doctor in from across the country to do IVF in August.
• Our IVF failed - we did not even make it to retrieval. I only produced 4 follicles. Aforementioned doctor from across the country (DFAC?) was not there when this happened. The NP and PA both reviewed our files and concluded that we could "do better" and sacked the cycle.
  

gotta catch 'em all!

It occurred to me this morning that I am growing into a veritable pokemaster of physicians.


Let me show you my doctors. My doctors, let me show you them.

decaf homemade almond milk ice coffee, you're not fooling *anyone*

And we have bizarre diet changes and caffeine withdrawal headaches folks!

...

The first person to tell me there's still caffeine in decaf will get virtually smacked upside the head.

My day in 10 easy steps!

Step 1 - wake up

Step 2 - sweat pants

Step 3 - make waffles

Step 4 - eat waffles with hands while pacing in kitchen

Step 5 - try RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix

On Mother's Day

A lot of people in the infertility community dread today, put self imposed bans on Facebook and avoid locations where mother's day is likely to pop up and remind them that they are not a mother (brunch spots, card stores, places of worship, groceries, flower shops, restaurants, any place beyond the front door and lets just be honest it's probably best to stay in bed with the covers over your head quietly humming to yourself).

I didn't have any plans to do any such deprivation today, and while the few posts I've already seen on Facebook this morning did make my heart take that slight dip into my stomach - overall I'm not feeling this day is any different.

Maybe it's partly because I've finally gone numb to it all? I know for a fact it's not because I'm all zen and accepting about our situation (that's for fucks sure).

But the overwhelming feeling I am experiencing at the moment, and perhaps this is why today hasn't sent me into hysterics (yet!) is that I'm not a mom, and can't even aspire to be lumped in with today's celebrants.

That my major life goal right now is so unobtainable that I can't even look at those who have it and be jealous.

And *that* is some shit I need to work on.

The Extended Forecast

May - You know what they say! April cancelled-due-to-over-stimulation IUIs bring May self loathing and
binging! Expect periods of heavy drinking. Our satellites are showing a high likelihood of renewed ice coffee and frozen yogurt addiction.

Shake it off - HAPPY DOG

Guess what time it is folks?!

You got it - it's "still not pregnant o'clock"!

But this dog doesn't care, cause it is the happiest dog *in the world*

A re-visit with our reproductive endocrinologist, as told by animated gifs.

I have been pondering for the past few days about how best to tell the tale of our re-visit with our reproductive endocrinologist last week and have settled on the time honored tradition of the animated .gif!

Outdated book is outdated

"Adopting after infertility" is in sore need of a reprint

Some much needed levity

It's been a bit of an emotional day here. I plan on posting a full entry about this morning's meeting with the doctor soon but for now just a quick slice of funny and some insight into why I'm sure that no matter what happens, A (my husband) and I will be ok.

A - how long do we need to use condoms for?
K - crap, I almost completely forgot about that. I'm glad you remembered, with 11 follicles that would have given a whole new meaning to unsafe sex.
A - man, what would you even call that? Elevenuplets?
K - my uterus explode-ples?
A - Jon and Kate plus fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

:: we dissolve into giggle fit::

These go to Eleven

So I was really gearing up for National Infertility Week this week, planning on blogging all the blogs, posting all the thoughtful posts to Facebook and just generally getting all insightful up in the Internet's business.

Then my infertility reminded me that there's no way I can be that much of a contributing member of society.

Making it Facebook Official

I bit the bullet this morning and made our infertility "Facebook Official" in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Here's my status, feel free to copy and use it yourself.

Today marks the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a life changing, devastating, invisible disease. 1 in 8 couples endure painful, invasive, and expensive medical intervention, just for the hope of having a child.

Couples like us.

So I’m coming out about our struggle this week to raise awareness. Suffering quietly makes it easy for society to dismiss this struggle as unimportant and perpetuates the cultural-silence and shame infertility patients are faced with at diagnosis. 

This year’s theme is “Join the Movement” and I’m joining by speaking up.

Learn more at http://resolve.org/niaw

 So far the response has been overwhelmingly positive. I'm hoping to post something every day to raise awareness. I also changed my cover photo to one of the awesome ones Keiko from The Infertility Voice made up. You can find them here: http://theinfertilityvoice.com/niaw-2013/

Baby Not On Board

This is my car

Imaginary blog readers, I want to take you on a magical journey through time. Back to the good old summer of 2011!

A fairly accurate representation of my feelings this past weekend

Liz lemon is my spirit animal.

IP&CB in the M - Fancy pants Downton Edition!

This time in Infertility, Pregnancy and Childbirth in the Media - thought you had enough "watching traumatic child birth scenes while taking high doses of fertility medications to last you several life times"? Well just wait - Downton Abbey is about to get all period drama on your period drama (oh wow, that was bad... I regret nothing)

Spoilers Ahoy!

Shake it off - Baby Monkey

IUI #4 dropped a big fat not pregnant on my lap this morning.  I was really hopeful for some crazy reason this month. Looks like we'll be rocking injectibles next cycle.

Oh well, for right now - here's a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig, because the world has gone insane.

Tired of Waiting

What follows is sort of raw, and more serious than anything I've written here so far, but it felt good to write.  I hesitated to publish it, but I want these feelings to be here.  Even if they stand in stark contrast to the usual humor I use to lighten this situation, they are how I feel right now and I want them here.